Shocking Beijing

Mosquitoes in 7 degrees Celsius? I know. Actually I don't. How is it I can get eaten alive in a clime more suitable to huskies than blood suckers? I know what you're thinking, and no, they're not bed bugs (though this hotel is sure to have some) 'cause I actually squashed one of the little suckers the other night. Wait...I think I hear another one now...

Beijing. City of Shocks. Electric shocks! The atmosphere is so dry that in addition to my chapped, cracked and peeling lips, everything you touch sparks a static electric shock. Sure, the laptop button and the aluminium window sill, but what about the remote control, my toothbrush and the cushion on the sofa. Ouch! This is ridiculous. I am brimming with electrical charge. On a 'positive' note, simple chores like washing clothes become a breeze in this weather. You simply hang your wet washing on the line and by the time you reach the end, you can go back to the start and begin unpegging. Voila!

As we prepare to move to new digs, I realize how much I will miss my time here at the fabulous (did you get that sarcasm) Century Towers. I will especially miss the cleaners; like they've missed me for the past 3 weeks. It is baffling. I hang a sign on my door that says “Please Clean My Room”, but I'm sure the local cleaners look at these strange English words, shrug, and move on. In short, if you want your room cleaned one must go down to reception where precisely NOBODY speaks English (who can blame them) and act out a weird game of charades. Imagine your phrase is “filthy pig sty”; Ok, 3 words, first word, two syllables... oh forget it, I'll just leave all my rubbish outside my door like everyone else. It makes me feel like a local, although I'm still refusing to spit in the lobby and smoke in the elevator.

The fact that I'm blogging about static, mozzies and room service may lead you to believe that I've not had a chance to see much of Beijing. The truth is... I've not had a chance to see much of Beijing. Testament to this is my new collection of 27 DVDs I bought on the street (77c each). I've watched one. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving my time here but if you cut out the time I've spent in the office, in taxis getting to and from the office and time spent working from the filthy pig sty, I've had enough time to watch one whole DVD. It was good.

Ok, did I mention the bad TV? The satellite provides three semi-watchable channels; Star World, HBO and CNN and 89 channels of Asian pop stars, soaps and propaganda. It makes me realize, no matter where you are in the world this medium is extremely overrated. Of some concern is a worsening, troubling condition, known as “Obamaclintonitis”. I have all the tell-tale signs. I'm now certain CNN is an acronym for Chronic News Neurosis and the prognosis is not good.

But it's not all work and no play. Well, actually, it kinda is. The more important tasks include overseeing training, organizing meetings with people whose English is only moderately better than my Mandarin, being present at test events and putting out more fires than the South Australian fire department during a hot spell. B-Teamer, Olly recently presided over a Shooting Test Event which from all accounts drove him to breaking point. Chinglish scripts, poorly organized rehearsals and the non-stop circus type environment seemed more that one person should physically bear. But on a positive note, it was the Shooting event, and if pushed to the point of no return, at least he didn’t have far to look for a gun. He survived the ordeal and has now moved on to Synchronised Swimming. I smell trouble.

This blog was almost named Beijing Taxi, as my time in Beijing has been dominated by the endless hours of cab-sitting. Not riding, driving or motoring...just sitting. Yesterday, we established a new cab-to-work record with an impressive 2 hours 20 minutes for the 20 km trip. So much of what I've seen of this amazing city has been from the rear window of any one of the 60,000 eighties-style Hyundai cabs.

I'm static, and also ecstatic as this week we signed the lease on our new apartment. An amazing place, conveying the true nature and history of this amazing city; ‘Upper East Side’ is where all ugly westerners should make a bee line for when planning on more than a jaunt in Beijing-town. Ok, so I bypassed the hutongs in the old part of town, but a guy needs a little luxury, and I hear the mosquitoes and static electricity are almost non-existent there, so it's a win-win.